It's The Least Wonderful Time of The Year
by Red Witch
Summary: As the X-Men prepare to go back to school, once again the Brotherhood finds a new way to annoy them. Two ways if you count Fred's stories.


**The disclaimer telling all of you I don't own any X-Men Evolution characters has gone back to school. Just more madness that came out of my mind. **

**It's the Least Wonderful Time Of The Year**

"I can't believe in only a week we have to go back to school," Kitty groaned.

"Yes, it will be another year of Bayville Hell," Ray grumbled. Most of the mutants of the Xavier Institute were in the kitchen for breakfast.

"At least I'm a senior and it'll be my last year," Rogue said. "Provided I don't kill anyone or blow up the school."

"Rogue that's no way to talk," Hank gave her a look. He was sitting with Scott and Jean at another table.

"Yeah according to the betting pool you're the least likely to wreck the place," Scott smirked.

"Who's in the lead?" Rogue asked.

"Depends if the Brotherhood come back this year," Bobby told her.

"Thanks to all the summer school work we did, Kurt and I are graduating too," Kitty said. "It was a hassle but it will all be worth it! I just hope we get to go to some school dances this year! Last year we weren't allowed to! That so totally sucked!"

"Kitty do you remember **why** we were banned from all those school dances?" Rogue gave her a look. "It was part of the deal we made. You know the one keeping us all from getting us **expelled** after you poisoned half the school and scared the other half out of their wits with your _insane driving?_"

"Which by the way you failed both Drivers Ed and Home Ec?" Bobby pointed out.

"I didn't fail, technically," Kitty shrugged. "I just dropped the classes."

"You mean you were **pulled out** of the classes before the teachers' union went on strike!" Kurt gave her a look.

"What is this? Pick on Kitty Day?" Kitty put her hands on her hips.

"Oh goody! Another reason to celebrate!" Pietro cackled as he zoomed in. He grabbed an uneaten donut out of Jean's hand and ate it. "Yum! Yum!"

"Speaking of annoying pests," Jean growled. "Quicksilver what are you doing here?"

"What? Can't a fellow mutant come over and share breakfast with his friends?" Pietro zoomed over and ate a banana in a second.

"Since when do you have friends?" Roberto asked.

"Hey! Wazzzup?" Todd walked in with the rest of the Brotherhood.

"Just walked right into that one didn't you?" Ray asked Roberto.

"Don't mind Toad, he watched another one of those I Love The Nineties Marathons last night," Wanda sighed.

"I never thought I'd miss Wolverine so much when he goes on a mission," Scott drawled. He winced as Todd downed a donut with his tongue. "Is there a reason you losers are here or are you just trying to stuff all the food you can in your faces?"

"Both actually," Fred remarked by grabbing two donuts.

"There is a reason," Lance said. "We wanted to celebrate our good news with all of you guys!"

"Why?" Bobby asked.

"What did you do **now**?" Rogue groaned. "Rob a bank? Free all the animals at the zoo again? Burn down Bayville High?"

"Actually I wouldn't mind so much if you did that last one," Ray sighed.

"Close but no cigar," Lance grinned. "As of last night, every single member of the Brotherhood is a high school graduate!"

"Which means in this economy now we can get any job involving the words 'Do You Want Fries With That?'" Pietro said smugly.

"You're _joking?_" Kitty's jaw dropped.

"No joke," Pyro grinned. "That means while all of you are slaving away over tests and quizzes at Bayville High, we will be watching TV at home."

"Actually we did that **before** we graduated," Todd corrected. "Only this time no truant officer will be breathing down our necks to go to school."

"Not that they ever did in the first place," Fred snickered. "That one guy used to pay us **not** to go to school!"

"How did you losers get a high school diploma? You were **expelled!**" Bobby yelled. "And Wanda you never even went!"

"Oh the wonders of the Internet Age," Pietro held up a printed certificate.

"You mean it's fake!" Kitty said.

"Oh no," Lance smiled. "This is a perfectly legal document in at least thirty nine states, including New York. And a few cities in Mexico."

"Let me see that," Hank took a look at Pietro's document. "The University of the Golden Ostrich in Arizona?"

"It's a real live online school where you can get your high school diploma," Fred said proudly. "Also you can take some college courses and get certified for plumbing, paralegal and dog grooming."

"Golden Ostrich University huh?" Scott grunted as he saw the document. "I guess that's one way of giving the educational system the bird."

"Oh come on Scott that **can't** be legal!" Jean told him.

"I hate to say this Jean but it appears it is," Hank sighed. "At least in this state."

"Wait a minute, are you telling me the **Brotherhood** got their diplomas before **us?**" Kurt yelled.

"We have to go to school where we get harassed and pushed around to get our diplomas and all **they** had to do was push a few buttons to get _theirs?_" Ray yelled.

"That's right," Todd grinned. "You're not feeling so smart now are ya?"

"I don't believe this!" Kurt yelled.

"It was Father's idea," Wanda said. "He paid for our tuition and everything."

"Oh of course!" Hank snorted as he handed back the diploma to Pietro. "I should have known! In a society where you can buy nearly anything with money!"

"How much did it cost and do they have a payment system?" Ray asked.

"Ray!" Jean snapped.

"What?" Ray asked. "If they can do it why not us?"

"Yeah for once the human Pikachu has a point," Roberto agreed. "Why do we have to put up with the garbage at Bayville High if we can do it the easy way?"

"Nothing worthwhile is **easy!**" Hank told them.

"Hey! It wasn't like all we had to do was hit a button and get an instant diploma you know?" Fred was offended. "We had to read stuff and everything!"

"And we took tests and quizzes just like regular school," Todd said. "Only without the screaming and we got the results faster."

"But you still cheated! I mean you probably just looked up all the answers in a book or something!" Scott said.

"I defy you to prove it," Pietro huffed. "Besides you wouldn't say that if you saw some of Blob's quiz scores."

"Let me guess, the university grades on a **curve?**" Hank asked sarcastically. "Oh wait, it's a couple of curves with a line running through it. In case it wasn't covered in your curriculum, that's called a **dollar sign!"**

"Somebody took their bitter juice this morning," Pietro snorted.

"What is your problem?" Todd pouted. "I thought you guys would be happy for us getting an education and all?"

"I'd be happier if you got a **real **education!" Hank said.

"Beast let's be a little realistic," Scott said. "This is the Brotherhood we're talking about. I'm impressed they were able to **find** a school on the web much less graduate from it!"

"See? Even Summers is happy for us!" Fred told them.

"Still haven't mastered sarcasm yet, have you Blob?" Kurt quipped.

"No, I didn't take that for my language course," Blob said innocently. "Actually I took two language courses. Chinese and Klingon!"

"Well that _is_ a well rounded education," Hank said sarcastically. "Wait a minute, Fred you actually **learned** Chinese?"

"To be honest I already knew it," Fred told them. "It was more like a refresher course. I guess I did cheat a little."

"It's true," Pyro nodded at the stunned looks of the X-Men. "He knows Chinese. And not just the stuff on take out menus."

"Yeah sometimes when we rent a martial arts film we rely on him instead of the subtitles," Pietro said. "And he does the voices pretty good too."

"How could the _Blob_ know _Chinese?_" Scott was shocked.

"Don't ask," Lance said.

"Blob you barely passed **English!** How could **you **of all people know Chinese?" Scott went on.

"Well it's a long story," Fred began.

"I told him not to ask," Lance sighed as the rest of the Brotherhood sat down.

"Here we go again," Wanda sighed.

"You see back on the farm before I was born my Granny ran a boardinghouse where she took in guests from time to time," Fred told his story. "And one of the men she took in was a Chinese immigrant calling himself Jim Shu."

"Jim Shu?" Bobby began.

"Well that wasn't his _real name_ of course, just an alias so he could sneak into the country illegally," Fred told them. "Actually he was a disgraced member of the Communist Party. He used to work under Madame Mao herself. Of course rumor has it that he was found **under **Madame Mao in a compromising position and that's why he had to leave China pretty fast. That and he stole a lot of money from the Communist Party. Oh and he wasted a lot of toilet paper 'redecorating' the Emperor's Palace. Apparently over there that is a huge no no! Toilet paper must be really sacred over there."

"Uh huh…" Hank blinked.

"Well as time went on Mr. Shu got on with my family really well and became the family cook," Fred said. "Well actually Granny did a lot of the cooking because she loved it but Mr. Shu did most of the cleanup and every Wednesday was Chinese and Taco night. Of course the taco part came from my cousin Juanita who was recovering from her 'operation' because she used to be cousin Juan. But she only stayed a few months before her boyfriend in the Mexican Mafia tracked her down. Mr. Shu cooked for their wedding. Of course he had to pretend he was a priest too because well there were a lot of other legal issues so you get the idea."

"Oh boy…" Rogue winced. "Do we ever…"

"Anyway Mr. Shu was the one who taught me how to speak Chinese since I was a baby because Granny thought it was a good idea for any kid to talk other languages. Especially since a lot of the male members of the family tended to travel a lot for legal reasons," Fred went on. "They didn't want any lawyers to find 'em. Mr. Shu and I had a lot of fun. I even helped him with his flower crop out behind the garage and how to prepare them so people could smoke them."

"You've have a rather colorful family don't you Fred?" Hank sighed.

"How did you know Mr. Shu married into my family?" Fred asked. "He met my cousin Violet at the annual town Catfish and Chipmunk Fry. Cousin Violet was recently widowed for the third time and had entered the log rolling competition to raise her spirits. Well they both fell for each other. Literally, right off the same log. They tied for second place but their hearts felt the won the grand prize!"

"This is weirder than a plot on Desperate Housewives," Kitty said to Rogue.

"It was a great wedding," Fred sighed. "Unfortunately it was interrupted by the Department of Immigration. You see Cousin Violet was also in the country illegally from England. The last I saw of them was Violet throwing Mr. Shu over her shoulder and racing to the van. Them driving away amid a hail of gunfire as the cops burned down the flowers behind the garage. To this day they're living somewhere in Australia raising minks. And flowers."

"Didn't I **tell **you not to ask?" Lance gave Scott a look. "You can't say I didn't warn you!"

"For a high school graduate you ain't that smart are ya?" Todd asked.

"Well he did go to a substandard school like Bayville High," Pietro mocked. "Not everyone can afford such fine schooling as ours!"

"Now that we have finished taking a detour through Blob's Memoirs I feel I need to explain my position on a decent education even further," Hank sighed. "Which obviously the quick fix solution of an online diploma does not do!"

"Oh yeah?" Lance looked at him. "When was the last time **you** had to figure out how fast two trains were headed towards Chicago and what time they had to get there?"

"That is not the point Avalanche!" Hank bristled. "Online classes are not a substitution for a well rounded education!"

"Well rounded? Please!" Pietro scoffed. "Have you **seen** a classroom textbook lately? Most of them have been around since 1950! At least the Internet is up to date!"

"Multiplication tables? Why memorize them when you have a **calculator?**" Todd asked.

"And what is really so important about understanding Shakespeare?" Lance asked. "Nobody even talks like that anymore except actors when they want to impress a date!"

"Yeah nowadays nearly every play has a half dozen movies that have ripped off of it," Pietro said.

"You can't sit there and tell me with a straight face that you can't find the plot of Hamlet in the movie the Lion King," Wanda agreed.

"And all those algebra and high math classes?" Fred asked. "With the way this economy is going they should be teaching more finance and accounting classes! At least **that's** useful!"

"Yeah most schools don't even teach you how to balance a checkbook!" Pietro agreed. "I had to learn that on the streets!"

"How do you learn to balance a checkbook on the **streets?**" Kurt asked. "On second thought don't answer that…I don't want to be called into court as a witness."

"Or what about diagramming a sentence, yo?" Todd agreed. "Dude, what good is that?"

"At least I can **say** a sentence with proper grammar!" Hank bristled.

"Like that matters nowadays," Fred rolled his eyes. "Face it, unless you're gonna be a teacher, a scientist or a game show contestant most of the stuff they teach you in school you don't need! Take a look at us!"

"I believe you have just proven my point _for_ me, Blob," Hank told him.

"Look maybe we ain't the most educated people on the planet," Todd said. "But there's all types of other smarts. There's book smart and street smart."

"And unfortunately for you Toad, you're **neither**," Scott groaned.

"I'm smart enough to know where to find a loophole in the system and use it to my advantage!" Todd puffed up. "Who do you think _figured out_ that idea of getting a degree online?"

"Now I really feel stupid," Kurt groaned.

Xavier wheeled into the room. "What's going on? I felt a great wave of agony!"

"Blob told us a family story," Rogue said. "I don't know why we fought so hard against Apocalypse. All we had to do was let Blob tell him a few family stories and he would have run for the hills!"

"But worse the Brotherhood just got a high school diploma online!" Bobby pointed. "Professor why can't **we** do that?"

"Because you need a decent education and you need to set an example for mutants yet to come," Xavier said.

"So this is more what **Xavier** wants rather than what **you** want," Pietro clarified. "I get it now."

"I would think that mutants having the right to a decent education is something everyone would want!" Jean protested.

"Yeah it really opened doors for you guys when Scott and Jean graduated Bayville High," Pietro quipped.

"Again, it was you and your insane father that ruined our graduation!" Scott snapped.

"Technically that was Apocalypse and Mesmero's doing," Todd said. "We were just trying to warn you!"

"Here's a warning for you! Get out before I throw you out!" Rogue made a fist.

"All right! All right! Fine! We're going!" Lance held up his hands. "I guess you guys have to get your beauty sleep since you all have to get up bright and early for your classes. And tests. And pop quizzes. And gym class and oh you all get the picture!"

"Ciao!" Pietro laughed as they ran off.

"I can't believe it!" Kitty fumed. "We work our butts off and they get off easy! Again!"

"Kitty do you really **want **the Brotherhood back in school with us?" Kurt asked.

"Yeah with them gone the odds of Bayville High surviving the year have skyrocketed!" Bobby joked.

"Let's just say not everyone can handle a traditional education," Xavier said diplomatically. "There will always be a few…individuals that benefit more from home schooling."

"Forget the Brotherhood! Let's watch some TV," Ray turned on the television.

On TV was a commercial. "Schools are failing. Why? Because they're being run down and broken. And how did that happen? By mutants running amok in our schools! We ban guns and other violent weapons from schools, why not ban mutants with dangerous powers? Support Proposition 12 to ban mutants from the classroom. Let's keep our children safe."

"I hate election years," Rogue groaned. "I can't **wait **for Social Studies Class!"

"We have to keep trying to prove to people that mutants aren't dangerous weapons. However, just to be on the safe side," Xavier sighed. "Perhaps it's not a bad idea to research some online schools? Just in case…"


End file.
